The ten worst rap lyrics I sent to friends in 2024

With bars like these, who needs wack MCs?

I routinely ruin perfectly good conversations online by sending my friends groan-inducing bars that occur to me throughout the day. To ring in the new year, I’m sharing the ten most annoying bars I sent to friends in 2024. One of these was in response to a condolences message I was sent after a funeral! Enjoy!

• Bitches feastin’ on me like I’m Jan de Witt, I’m cognoscenti / Drinking ‘til jaundiced yellin’ my tankie shit, Yellow Parenti.

• Can’t you see you’re Pagliacci in this sitch? / Clown ‘em, funny-crying like a bitch?¹

• I’m Charlemagne up in the club, you’re a peon / In the bathroom popping K like we’re fucking Korean.

• Serve it raw, never cooked, Claude Lévi-Strauss / Spend my cheese on twelve-ounce bottles, Mickey Mouse.

• Girl walking ‘round, ass like Infinite Jest / She turn around and let me hit it, damn impressed.

• Write mantras, go apeshit, get put in Brahmanas / Bananas bananas bananas bananas.

• Drop-top smoke pot, hot thot / Murder plot, nearly caught, out damn spot!

• Getting pegged in your long johns while I pilfer your silver / Bring you to the kosher deli, you’re chopped liver.

• Shoulda won a second ring, fuck off Los Angeles / Melancholic synthesis, lachrymose Vangelis.

• Tried to diss me prodigiously but you ran out your roster / Now you say the same shit every month like John Bellamy Foster.

1. Technically I first wrote a version of this in a poem in 2016, but I also sent it in a message this year, making it count.