Which Hogwarts house belongs in which Hogwarts house????

Ask any of my friends, sorting people into Hogwarts houses is one of my favourite hobbies. To this day I have definitively sorted every named character of every novel, movie or TV series I’ve consumed. The habit has become so reflexive that I will interrogate anyone I meet with leading questions about their wizardly propensities. This is why it shocked me to learn that nowhere on the internet has anyone asked the question: which Hogwarts house would each Hogwarts house be sorted into? It’s somewhat understandable I suppose; how can you sort an entire Hogwarts house with all its complexities into a single Hogwarts house? I knew it would be difficult but, being a Gryffindor, it’s unlike me to back down from an opportunity to show off.

GRYFFINDOR

This one is fairly obvious. Lording over the castle in one of its highest towers, the Gryffindor common room reeks of prideful ambition. The scarlet and gold of the Gryffindor crest strikingly depict the blood spilt and the riches gained by someone who will do anything to get their way. And what better animal to represent cunning leadership than the lion? No doubt about it, this house belongs in Slytherin.

SLYTHERIN

Oh to be a snake, lazing all day in the garden, the closest to the earth of all the beasts. With a common room burrowing its way through the dirt under the Hogwarts Lake, it doesn’t take a genius to deduce that this green-thumbed house has a penchant for herbology. The green and silver crest speak of not only the moss-covered trees of the forest but the silver scales of justice for which Hufflepuffs are well known. Just don’t let that fondness for loyalty go too far, otherwise we might have another death-eater cult on our hands!

RAVENCLAW

As if sporting a blue police outfit and a bronze badge, this house bravely seeks the truth at all costs. Hark, an elemental creature flies through the air, surveying all from the blue skies above. What’s this? Within the eagle beats the courageous heart of a griffin. Yes of course, this house well and truly belongs in Gryffindor. (Still don’t believe me? The answer lies in plain sight: Ravenclaws are masters of the head. Now which house does the headmaster belong to I wonder?)

HUFFLEPUFF

Inquisitive badger, what do you smell? The yellow of a schoolbus? The black of a chalkboard? What a recluse you are, burrowing, searching, scavenging for scraps of truth. What acerbic wit you convey with merely a growl. So driven and yet so detached. How deep can you dig? The badger conducts his experiment meticulously; a yellow canary suffocates within this black coalmine, a sacrifice to the gods of knowledge. Do these walls speak of inky feathers, dark as pitch? Or is this the blackness of the night sky, dotted with amber stars? If we could only know what the badger saw, delivered to him upon raven’s claw.