The DNC confirmed it: it's 2015 again

First as farce, then as bigger farce

It’s true, all world-historic events occur twice, but the nature of contemporary life and politics make both the original and the recursion farces, because our tragedies can’t help but be farcical. Why was Amy Schumer on the cover of Variety earlier this year?

Huh? What? What year is it? Am I having a stroke?

What? Power of women? Amy Schumer? What are you talking about?

Why are her feet SO fucked up?? How is EVERY toe on BOTH of her feet completely deformed in a totally DIFFERENT way? WHAT IS GOING ON???

Amy Schumer’s resurgence can only mean one thing: it’s 2015 again. No, not 2016, I mean solidly 2015.

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, man. You’ve been in a coma for nearly a decade and time pulled a Martin Amis’ Time’s Arrow thing and then thought better of it just before you woke up.

This is the only explanation. Skeptical? Okay, well then explain this to me:

“Brat” is just “girlboss” with a stupid new coat of paint. As for the extremely cringe reference to Game of Thrones, I mean shit, referencing a TV show that ended like five fucking years ago? Might as well be referencing fucking Friends. Is Nancy Pelosi the “Rachel” of the Democratic Party??? Kaling herself is a bizarre anachronism—in 2015, people were desperate enough for more of The Mindy Project that Hulu snapped it up the second it was cancelled by Fox. In 2024, there are people who would self-immolate in protest if it could put an end to her terrible fucking Velma thing. It’s like we’re living in the fabricated world of Goodbye, Lenin! only its all for the benefit of Katy Perry. The only clear sign of the Present Year was that Mindy Kaling looks so plastic and skin-bleached she’s starting to resemble fucking Carrot Top.

Artist’s rendition of Mindy Kaling at the DNC.

Maybe the whole thing was a ruse to make us forget just how demented it is that anyone would be excited about Nancy fucking Pelosi, the only person in the party more deeply unaware of what planet they’re on than Joe Biden.

The rest of the celebrity lineup did not inspire confidence that we aren’t all unstuck in time. Yvette Nicole Brown, who had just left Community in 2015, was there. Lil Jon, who hasn’t had a song on the charts since 2013’s “Turn Down for What,” was there. John Legend, the most 2015 man alive, was there. Eva Longoria was there and, I’ll be honest, I forgot who the fuck Eva Longoria was and had to Google her. Apparently Spike Lee was there too but I think he just figured he’d walked into a Knicks game. I guess he probably still enjoyed himself, afterall, he’s used to rooting for losing teams with disastrous management.

The rhetoric surrounding Kamala Harris is giving me such bad déjà vu that I’m getting quesy. I can’t believe they did a 2023 Little Mermaid job on Hillary Clinton! What are the angry YouTubers going to say about this #woke recasting??? I guess they weren’t going to vote for her anyway. At least they brought back the old writing team.

While 2015 was dominating the DNC, 2024 was outside desperately trying to batter the doors down in the form of anti-Zionist protesters trying to appeal for a change in policy towards Israel, but were beaten back I imagine by the overwhelming sound of Bruno Mars’ “Uptown Funk.”

Maybe we’re not unstuck in time. Maybe the Democratic Party and its supporters just caught Joe’s dementia. How else can you explain this article from Politico claiming Harris’ candidacy has quelled the divide over Israel’s genocide? Look at this:

This “became clear” at the DNC did it? You mean this DNC?

Just want to make sure you’re talking about this DNC.

Great. Terrific.

Yeah folks we’ve really “skirted” this one. According to The Atlantic, the protests actually didn’t happen at all, sort of like how Baudrillard claimed the Gulf War never happened, their reasoning being that, well, it wasn’t bigger than the biggest DNC protest in history, so I guess it wasn’t anything at all.

I like this logic. It at last allows me to claim that AIDS didn’t happen because the Spanish Influenza was bigger. This convenient framing may come to bite the Democrats in the ass, however, if their hysterical anti-Trump rhetoric winds up being dismissed when people realize he isn’t either Adolf Hitler or Emperor Nero. Worse still if they realize he’s functionally no different from Kamala Harris.

I’ll see you all at AOC 2028.