The best Google reviews of Canada's courthouses

Where the REAL verdicts in the justice system are delivered

The Yelp-ification of geography has resolved to turn every monument, no matter how revered/hallowed/sublime, into just another roadside pit stop on the highway of unsolicited opinions. You may, for instance, think that the Great Pyramids of Giza are one of the Wonders of the World, an immensely emotionally-powerful asset in the shared patrimony of mankind, and unratable. You’d be wrong, obviously. They’re more of a 4.6/5.0.

Good, yes, but ultimately a lesser experience than 1989 by Taylor Swift.

Shelley may have owned Ramses pretty hard when he used the example of the pharaoh’s pride to grimly illustrate the ultimate pettiness of our own ambitions, but nothing really compares to imagining King Khufu reading the Google reviews for his own enormous tomb, to say nothing of the thousands who died building them. “Place blows,” writes Josiah R, who arrived by Uber.

Others remain positive about the pyramids, although it’s sort of out of Khufu’s hands that the customer service has apparently grown shoddy.

Luckily, we don’t have to wait for the degradation of our own institutions and the architectural landmarks that symbolize them by way of the process of arbitrary numerical assessment online, because they're already here. That whole “rule of law” thing that liberals are so proud of and see as a cornerstone of our bloated civilization, for instance, simply fails to impress. Take Toronto’s new 10 Armoury Street Courthouse.

A measly 2.8??? I knew bourgeois justice was bad, but I didn’t realize that the general public would moderately rather listen to Limp Bizkit.

Evidently the justice system needs some radical reforms so that it can sit where it should, up there with Korn and P.O.D. Maybe if we look at the reviews themselves we can find some incisive critiques that could point us in the right direction. Take it away Jinny:

Huge water if taxi money indeed. By Jinny’s estimation, the problem is the oversized billion dollar building. So there we go, our first order of business? Knock down the courthouses. Let’s get this shit going en plein air. Who’s next?

Michael Rhodes (presumably full, real name) is very disappointed with his experience of the court system after having faced fraud charges. Michael doesn’t tell us how the case went, but judging by his willingness to make a quick Google search of his name bring up the phrase “my fraud case” I’m going to imagine it did not go well. Second reform: pardon Michael Rhodes.

Masamoonie has a Solid Snake profile pic, leading me to believe his charges involved trying to stimy a police investigation by hiding under a cardboard box. Being very attentive to stealth, Masamoonie is concerned that cops in the courthouse yap too much, likely worried that they would be unable to sneak up on defense attorneys and deliver stealth takedowns. Luckily, he suggests he reported this indiscretion to the appropriate authority (I imagine this was “The Colonel”). Possible reform: laryngectomies for all cops.

Shit, okay, so the clerks seem to be a serious issue. What do you folks suppose we ought to do about it?

Fire every clerk! I love it! It’s going RIGHT on top of the agenda, let’s cut the chafe right away! Next suggestion?

A fair point, I’ve never really thought about how unfair it is that you don’t really get much input when it comes to deciding your own case. I pleaded non-guilty, man, why not just be cool about this and take me on my word?

Sho also brings up a fair point. Why is it Canada is allowed to control a monopoly on the court system? I’d say it’s about time we bust this shit up in an anti-trust suit, make justice a little more “competitive,” sort it all out on the free market. Anything else? How about you, Tina?

On second thought I’m going to have to cut you off and go to someone else—Hasssan?

Christ, is this place doing anything right?

Well thank God for that. Whoever has been making sure the toilet seats stay warm deserves a medal. He’s the only employee we’re keeping on after we fire all the court staff.

Let’s hear from another dissenting opinion:

I hope she sees this bro (she = the personification of justice). Ultimately I think we can discount Tram here, because he evidently showed up to court on MDMA.

Well fuck. Justice in this country is more problematized than I thought. One thing is for sure, and I think this final review excerpt says it all: