FNORD: Right-wingers TOTALLY like chicks (no homo)
THE WOKE is dying and it's because of BOOBIES and BLOWJOBS
While, like most people, I get my news primarily from Vox explainer videos, I pride myself in taking in every view, and so also make sure to read every National Post headline that I’m able to. A few months ago, however, I encountered an op-ed headline so shocking that I even read the byline, then even half the article itself: Euphoria actress Sydney Sweeney has boobs. And not only that, they’re apparently nice ones. But what does this mean for culture? I asked myself. What does this mean for woke?
Sydney Sweeney is an innovator: she has nice boobs, a hitherto unprecedented event. Upon this revelation I Googled “hot tits” on my parents’ dial-up connection (assuring them that this was purely for research purposes, to which they informed me that I am forty-three-years-old) and was shocked to come across billions of results. Evidently, Sweeney had set off a trend. Instantly, these breasts led me to imagine Bill O’Reilly. Greg Gutfeld, possibly even William F. Buckley making the sounds of old japopies while their tongues spilled to comical lengths and their eyeballs became distended. My heroes, on the other hand, bold men like Matt Yglesias and Chris Hays, I could only see sobbing, quaking in fright, resigned to some sort of special “corner chair.”
I went to my nearest purveyor of magazines and discovered that at the back of the rack, in brown paper bags that once concealed, I imagined, rock and roll magazines, I discovered there was now all manner of titillating (pun unintended) material. Magazines with names like Jugs, Titties, Bazongas, and, for Quebecker readers, Les boules. To my amazement, the breasts in these magazines… were nice. Worse still, the affliction, it seemed, had spread to other body parts. Butt. Vagina. Penis. Feet. I felt something I had never felt before, chills ran up my spine, my face ran hot, even my pee-pee stiffened in fear. Surely, The Woke was dying before my very eyes.
Months passed. I spent some time sitting in a decommissioned Cold-War-era fallout shelter. I emerged one day, hoping that in the ruins of civilization I could try to reassemble woke for a new age, building woke out of sticks and stones. Little did I know that the end of woke was only beginning, because the next thing I knew, a woman said, on-camera, that she spits on penises. Hawk tuah, she said, and I felt the shockwave from that onomatopoeia thrice reverberate around the earth, like the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs. Like Obi-Wan Kenobi I was staggered by the voices of The Woke crying out only to be snuffed out at once. I heard the screams of Arwa Mahdawi as her “This Week in Patriarchy” column was spontaneously cancelled and I cried knowing she would never write another brilliant article about how to watch Netflix like a feminist. I could feel Ta-Nehisi Coates fall to his knees, the manuscript of his latest book about how it’s forgivable to kill Arab children with drone strikes if you’re at least partially Black bursting into flames before him. I could taste the tears falling down Elizabeth Warren’s cheeks as she realized she will now certainly never get to powerfully read the names of every dead trans person on the White House lawn.
Again, I turned to Google. I looked up a word that seemed to keep coming up in hawk tuah discourse, something called a “blowjob.” What I saw astounded me. Women were now literally putting penises in their mouths. With every penis to go into a woman’s mouth, woke was dying more and more. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I have never felt attraction to a woman in my life out of sheer respect (nor any other gender out of a desire to not appropriate queer culture), but right-wingers were evidently out here being really attracted to girls. Why else would they all jump on the opportunity once every few months to talk about one single instance of a woman being hot or implying she’s had oral sex? “Boobs are awesome,” they’d sneer, “and um… blowjobs. I love getting blowjobs from ladies.”
Granted, there was that thing where all those Republicans got caught looking at gay porn.
And I don’t mean that whole thing about the Republican who was literally in gay porn.
Or am I thinking about the gay assault allegations?
No, I mean the other ones.
Or that Republican who sucked off a man in the Capitol Building.
Or the the Republican guy who tried to solicit a cop for gay sex?
Or the one who actually successfully solicited a man for gay sex.
No, sorry, I mean the other one who did that.
Sorry, I actually meant the dozens and dozens and dozens of Republicans who did that.
Or the countless Republicans on Grindr.
What I’m trying to say is that it’s very normal for red-blooded straight men to suddenly notice one woman’s boobs and start posting about how I bet YOU’VE never noticed boobs before, sissy! and then get excited because a woman described a sex act on camera that most straight men actually see multiple times a week on PornHub, and NONE of this is to say that this actually sounds like fucking space aliens trying to fit in at a Manswers fan meetup, and NONE of the aforementioned stories of deeply-repressed homosexual desires among Republicans suggest that any of this is weird.
We have to start accepting it: the woke has been KILLED by conservatives just LIKING CHICKS TOO MUCH.
Doug Fnord is a senior political op-ed writer for Discordia Review. He has a Masters in political science from DeVry University. His opinions are not endorsed by Discordia Review.