BYE, BITCH! In Loving Memory of Evil UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson

At least he always payed his premiums on time

[Editor’s note: the banner originally had a photo of Andrew Witty on it by accident, who is not dead, and we were going to leave it up because we thought that was funny, but then I learned that the real Thompson looked like a cross between JD Vance and Adam Conover, two of the most annoying men on earth, which was too good to pass up on, so I’ve updated it]

Brian Thompson enjoyed a wonderful career of condemning poor people to debt for trying to stay alive, but friends, irony is a bulletproof vest—just like his policies, it didn't cover everything, and, in the end, he fell victim to what in his life he fought hardest against: a direct claim. Sadly, St. Peter required prior authorization, and so Thompson will probably have to pay the ultimate deductible, which is burning in Hell for all eternity. But don’t worry, when he crossed the River Acheron I imagine Charon waived his copay, because even Hell has better policies than American health insurance companies, even though they plagiarized their “abandon all hope, ye who enter here” from the fine print on the latter’s claim forms. He will ultimately still have to remain on a waiting list to get into his permanent residence in Malebolge, Hell’s fraudsters prison, because they’re still carving out a bolgia exclusively for health insurance executives in the expectation that, if God is just, the rest will be there to accompany him soon.

Let us remember the words he lived by: “life is a pre-approved benefit... unless it's not.” In lieu of flowers, the family asks for contributions to the charity he relied on most: pre-existing conditions.